Staying Safe Abroad: The Don’t-Be-Stupid Guide

Look. Holidays are for switching off, turning up, and pretending calories don’t count. But if you want to come back with great memories and not a police report, you’ll need more than just swim shorts and vibes. This is your ultimate no-nonsense, no-sugar-coating survival guide to not getting mugged, kidnapped or locked up abroad. Read it. Share it. Tattoo it on your soul.

1. Do Some Basic Homework

I’m not saying you need to study like you’re doing your GCSEs all over again, but at least Google the place. Is there political unrest? Are tourists safe? Is that neighbourhood a hidden gem or just hidden because no one comes back from there?

If the last TripAdvisor review says “great hotel but got chased by a monkey holding a screwdriver” – maybe look elsewhere.

2. Leave the Diamonds at Home, Beyoncé

Unless you're filming a music video, keep the bling tucked away. Flashing Rolexes, gold chains or your “Dubai Flex” outfit from BoohooMAN is basically putting up a sign that says ‘Easy Target’ in three languages.

And if you’ve ever had your phone snatched in London by a 13-year-old roadman in a TN tracksuit holding a shank and a chicken wrap, you already know the vibes. Abroad, it’s the same game, just with palm trees and different accents.

Dress smart. Travel smarter. Shine later.

3. Protect Your Passport Like It’s Beyoncé’s Baby Scan

That little book is the only thing standing between you and being stuck in a hotel lobby crying into a £7 bottle of Volvic. Don’t wave it about at the beach. Don’t leave it in your manbag. Keep it locked in the hotel safe like it owes you money.

Make photocopies. Email them to yourself. Stick a photo in your notes. No excuses. You lose your passport, you’re not coming home – you’re starting a new life in customs.

4. Try Not to Get Kidnapped by a Cartel in Cancun

This should be obvious but let me say it anyway. Don’t try to buy drugs on holiday. I don’t care if a friendly man named Carlos says it’s “the good stuff.” You’re not in Ibiza. You’re in a proper foreign country where messing about with the wrong people can land you on the wrong side of a Netflix documentary.

Stay sharp. Stay sober-ish. Stay out of trouble.

5. Use Taxis That Won’t Drive You Into the Woods

Would you jump in a stranger’s car in Manchester? Exactly. Use official taxis. Hotel shuttles. Uber or Bolt. Don’t accept a lift from that guy called Tony who says he knows a “cheaper route” and whose car smells like warm Red Stripe and Sputnik.

If it’s not booked, it’s not happening. Stay safe. Stay out of random cars.

6. Stay Online or Stay Lost

Roaming charges are annoying. But going missing without WiFi is worse. Grab a local SIM. Get an eSIM. Use hotel WiFi if you’re broke. Just stay connected.

Send your itinerary to someone you trust. Turn on location sharing. That way, if you vanish into the jungle on a quad bike tour, someone knows where to start looking.

7. Respect the Culture or Expect the Clapback

You’re a guest. Act like one. That means covering up when appropriate, not shouting “My G!!!!” in temples, and maybe not twerking in front of the Pope if you visit the Vatican.

Just because it’s legal in Newcastle City Centre doesn’t mean it flies in Saudi. Read the room. Or read the law. Either works.

8. Don’t Be the Last One Standing in the Club

Clubs abroad are not playgrounds. Being the last one standing might sound fun until your wallet’s gone, your mates are missing, and you’re sat in a tuk-tuk heading in the wrong direction listening to “Where Is The Love” by Black Eyed Peas.

Know your limits. Don’t leave drinks unattended. And don’t accept mysterious cocktails from people who look like they run a pyramid scheme or could’ve been an extra in Narcos.

9. Have an Emergency Plan That Doesn’t Involve Crying

Save the local emergency number. Write down your hotel’s name and address (bonus points if you can pronounce it). Keep a bit of cash in your sock or bra just in case your card gets blocked for “suspicious activity” because apparently your bank thinks you’ve never left Bolton.

Know where the embassy is. Know who to call. Don’t rely on your mate Keith who still thinks Ibiza is in Greece.

10. Let Someone Know You’re Alive

A quick text. A selfie by a monument. A voice note of you butchering the local language. Whatever. Just let someone know you’re not in a ditch. Especially if you’re travelling solo.

Not only is it smart, but it also stops your mum from launching a full Facebook manhunt with a pixelated photo of you from 2017 and your Nan sharing it every 45 seconds.

Final Words from Mr. Jones

The goal is to come back with a tan and a story, not an injury, a court date or a GoFundMe to get you home. So be smart. Be alert. Still have the time of your life. Just don’t act like the main character in a crime documentary.

Stay safe. Travel True. And whatever you do, don’t try to buy drugs man.