Bahia Principe: Grand Tulum

Another year, another brotherly pilgrimage to Mexico but this time to the Bahia Principe Grand Tulum, part of our sacred annual tradition. I went with my brother (aka The Mayor of Cancun, if you know, you know). As expected, he greeted the Riviera Maya like a seasoned diplomat, shaking hands with strangers, tipping bartenders like he’s running for office, and finding the nearest taco stand within minutes of arrival.

Now, let’s talk location. The resort is a solid 90-minute drive from Cancun Airport which is long enough to watch half a Netflix series or question your life choices mid-shuttle. But once you arrive, you're greeted with palm trees, sunshine, and a sprawling complex that includes Coba, Akumal, and the rest of the Bahia Principe kingdom. Basically, it's like the Disney World of all-inclusives minus Mickey and plus tequila.

The Room

Big tick here. The room was a great size, with firm beds (so firm they could double as yoga blocks), smart TVs with built-in Netflix (perfect for watching Narcos and pretending we were blending in), and thankfully, separate bathrooms which became crucial after The Incident.

The Food

The buffet was decent albeit standard all-inclusive vibes. But on Day 2, Montezuma came for his revenge. We both got absolutely levelled by some mystery dish. It was a battle of stomachs vs. spice, and only the strong survived (barely). Thank the gods for those separate bathrooms, or this review would be titled Two Brothers, One Crisis.

That said, we rallied and tried a couple of the à la carte options: the Curry House and the Tappenyaki spot, both solid choices. Just maybe stick to water and pray before each meal.

The Resort

It's massive. Like, “10,000 steps before breakfast” massive. Getting to reception or the buffet is an expedition, but there are golf carts zipping around to save your soles (and souls). Great for lazy explorers and buffet-bound warriors alike.

Staff & Vibes

The staff were wonderful. Shoutout to everyone smiling through the heat and our badly pronounced Spanish. The entertainment team deserves medals for keeping the vibes alive with games, pool parties, and that one water aerobics class I accidentally joined thinking it was a dance-off.

Now… air con. Or should I say, the complete absence of it in the buffets, bars, and restaurants. Who needs a sauna when you can sweat through a taco in real time? It’s hotter than a summer freestyle in the middle of a rap battle. Seriously….bring a fan or prepare to marinate.

Final Thoughts

All in all, Bahia Principe Grand Tulum delivers great value for money. Yes, you might lose 3kg from sweating and a further 2 from food poisoning, but hey, we could market it as a weight loss holiday, anyone? The beach is lovely, the vibes are chilled, and the Mayor of Cancun has officially approved it for next year’s ballot.

Would we go back? Probably. With probiotics and portable air con in tow.

Rating: 4 upset stomachs out of 5.