Riu Touareg

Let’s get one thing straight: Riu Touareg isn’t just remote. It’s "where even Google Maps gives up" remote. Picture The Martian, but with a swim-up bar and fewer potatoes. There’s one road in, one road out, and no nearby civilisation unless you count the seagulls and the army of feral cats patrolling the resort.

We booked this as a last-minute family escape, me, my fiancée Stacy, and our two chaos agents (a.k.a. the kids). Because we booked late, there were no family rooms left, so we had to go full suite-life with two separate rooms. It was either that or share a bed with a child who kicks like a donkey in its sleep. No thanks.

The Room

The African-themed rooms were a nice touch, think safari chic meets 2007 decor trends. A little dated, yes, but comfortable enough to sleep off three buffet plates and a melted Solero. Also, shout out to the air con, which worked hard while we didn’t.

The Pool

Now. The saltwater pool. Who… WHO asked for this? It’s like bathing in regret and seasoning. The kids were confused, I was confused, Stacy made a face like she’d licked a battery. But hey, at least it was big and clean, and we made peace with the salty situation eventually. Kind of.

The Buffet

Hit and miss, let’s not sugar-coat it (they didn't). The quality of the food was actually pretty good, but the variety was… minimalist. We’re talking “do you want chicken, chicken or chicken in a different sauce?” But honestly, we're on a tiny island off the coast of Africa, it’s not like an Ocado van is popping by with fresh croissants.

We didn’t try the à la cartes, but from what we heard, it was basically buffet 2.0. So, no FOMO.

The Beach

Now THIS is what we came for. The beach is outrageous, Caribbean-level sand, picture-perfect views, and the kind of setting you’d see on a Windows desktop background.
The ocean, however? A no-go zone. You could film a Fast & Furious jet ski chase out there. Waves strong enough to humble Poseidon, with currents that say, “Come in here and you’re meeting Neptune today.”
So we stuck to the sand, took beach selfies, and played “How close can we get before Stacy screams?”

Entertainment & Extras

The entertainment team? Legends. From poolside games to night shows, they kept the energy up and the kids distracted long enough for adults to have a sneaky rum or three.
Oh, and did I mention the cats? This resort has a feline population that rivals small towns. They don’t beg, they just exist. Lounging around like they own the place. I’m not saying they run the hotel, but I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them was on payroll.

What’s Nearby?

Absolutely nothing. You’re not “near” anything. Unless you count wind, sand, and a cactus. This is a 100% stay-on-the-resort experience, so bring books, board games, and a healthy respect for isolation.

Final Thoughts

Riu Touareg is what happens when you mash up a resort holiday with Survivor.
It’s remote, salty, sandy, and seriously relaxing once you lean into the madness.
Yes, it’s in the middle of nowhere. Yes, the ocean wants to fight you. And yes, you’ll bond with cats more than people.
But it’s also peaceful, scenic, warm, and full of charm.

Rating: 4 cats in sun hats out of 5. Would return but with my own snacks and a freshwater pool float.